Anxiety

Gals, I didn’t want to write this. I knew I had to, but I didn’t want to. I’ve been procrastinating, but I took a poll yesterday and realized that many of you wanted me to write about it. So here we are. I think I have anxiety. Ok, there. It’s out. I will correct myself. I know I have anxiety. I’ll explain.

The other week I started feeling entirely overwhelmed. I felt like I had a million things to do, and I couldn’t get started on them. I felt like my to do list was so long that even looking at it had my heart beating faster. I felt so overwhelmed that when Charlotte went down for a nap, I wanted to avoid everything and just go to sleep myself.

When I lay down to sleep, I couldn’t lower my heart rate in order to fall asleep. Yes, I know about breathing, and meditation. I tried. I really did !!! My heart would not slow down.

I finally texted David saying “I think I have anxiety”. I felt so silly. I’m a therapist. How could I not know I have anxiety? I’ve lived with these feelings for a long time. How did it never occur to me?

I looked back to the time when Charlotte was little, and I remember having a hard time leaving the house with her. It would take so long to get out of the house, and if it then got too close to the next feeding, I would forgo it altogether. The first time we finally got out of the house, I felt more confident that we could do it. But, it was hard.

I remember leading up to every feeding feeling worried. Was she going to latch on? Was she going to get anything? Was I going to feel frustrated? Would she get frustrated? Would I cry? Would that ruin the feeding session?

I remember times I would “forget” to weigh her before a feeding so that I didn’t have to weigh her after and feel like I had “failed” if she didn’t eat enough. I knew if she hadn’t gotten enough milk, the anxiety would come back again. (If you guys want me to, I’ll do a longer post on Charlotte’s first few months and our struggles with breastfeeding).

Looking back, I can now see that was all anxiety. I chalked it all up to being a new Mom and feeling: “Of course, I’m nervous. This is all new to me.”

When I was growing up, worry was normalized. If you were worried about something, it meant you cared.

The feelings we find ourselves in should definitely be normalized and validated, but, I also believe that we shouldn’t stay there. It’s true I was feeling anxious. It is also true that my anxiety was taking me out of the present moment. I was both stuck in the past, angry with myself for things I didn’t do, and living in the future feeling anxious about all the things I hadn’t yet done.

The other day, I heard Dan Allender speak on our body’s response to trauma, and it definitely put this into perspective for me. He discussed homeostasis and allostasis states and how our body attempts to protect itself

Homeostasis is what our body does to stabilize itself against environmental changes (outside stressors). Allostasis is our body trying to achieve homeostasis under chronic stress. What this means is that our body decides, “this is our new normal and we just have to deal with it”. The allostatic load that follows is the “wear and tear on our body”. It builds up over time due to chronic stress. This is when we start to see pain, illness, and fatigue.

I think this is where a lot of us Moms live, in this state of stress that has become our new normal. Yes, being a Mom is stressful, yet I don’t believe we should succumb to this state of stress for the next 18 years. If we do this, our bodies will literally start breaking down. It is not normal for our bodies to be in allostasis for a period of time and we need to address that. While it is completely normal to feel stress and to even feel anxiety, it’s not okay to live there.

I reached out to several women and shared my worries and they gave wonderful suggestions on things to do. One of those suggestions was to ask for help. It is true that my to do list is extremely long, and it is also true that I can’t do it alone. Dave and I then sat down, brainstormed, and budgeted ways to take things off my plate. He helped structure my days with daily tasks rather than a million tasks for the week. When I saw what needed to get done, I would feel paralyzed with what to do first. By breaking it down to daily tasks, it seemed less daunting.

In all of this, the main theme was letting someone into my head. In my case, it was David. He helped me listen to what I was saying to myself, and after some clarifying, we were able to come up with solutions. For you, it might be your spouse, a best friend, a therapist, or someone at church.

My prayer is that you find someone you can talk to, to speak truth into you. While my feelings were valid, the thoughts I was telling myself were just not true. I needed to let someone in to ground me, and to just get out of my own head! Please reach out if this is something you’re going through. It’s so much more common than we think and it can happen to anyone.

Toddlers, Whining, and Shark Music

I first planned to write how challenging my 15 month old is due to her developmental stage, and how it doesn’t coincide with how our adult world functions.

After talking through my feelings with my husband, I realized I needed to change my attitude and reframe her behaviors as her needs opposed to my inconveniences.

So, I decided to write about changing my perspective and having more compassion for Charlotte.

This morning, I tried to get ready for Bible Study and the frustrated Mom came out once again. I felt crazy, like I was on a roller coaster.

Now, as I’m writing this, I can empathize. Charlotte feels the same way all the time. She needs support all day long to organize her feelings. She’s often disappointed because she can’t play with something (like an outlet) or feels frustrated trying to tell me something but she doesn’t yet know how to verbalize it.

She’s moving along in the world making new connections every moment and looking to me to guide her. Whereas I’m over here trying to get my tasks done and frustrated that her whining is getting in the way.

It reminded me of the shark music we talk about in the Circle of Security groups. Shark music is our triggers when our child expresses a feeling that causes us discomfort.

This discomfort with feelings stems from past experiences and the ways our caregivers responded to us. Now, as the caregiver, our children’s needs and emotions can trigger fear and discomfort in us, even when we can rationalize their need as safe. As a result, our children begin to fear their emotions instead of using them as helpful information.

Good news! We, as adults, can name and call out our “shark music” when it is happening to turn the volume down. We can put our discomfort aside for the moment and be with our children when they need us the most. Watch this short video to learn more about shark music! I love the illustration they’ve created.

Back to the story! My shark music is triggered most recently when Charlotte is whining because she’s showing a need and I don’t know what it is.

I feel helpless.

I want to give her what she wants, but I have no clue what she’s saying or pointing to. I worry she doesn’t say as many words as friends her age. I worry that I haven’t read her enough books, or taught her all the words. Or that maybe I’m not a good enough Mom that I can’t decipher what she’s saying.

I know, guys. These aren’t truths.

But in that moment when she’s whining, my shark music goes off and I say those lies in my head. Which causes me to act huffily (I thought I made that word up, but it is, in fact a word!) I bring her over to where she’s pointing and say “What do you want?” but it’s not my super kind: “What is it that you’d like, sweetie?”

By this time, I realize I’m upset because my 15 month old can’t articulate her needs and I’ve calmed myself down. I then apologize to her for acting that way. I don’t want her to stop coming to me when she needs something. I don’t want her to avoid my huffy self when she’s distressed!!

This is how things have been going in our house the past few days. A loop of whining, frustration, identifying shark music, taking deep breaths, delighting in each other, and repeating it all over again. I know this is just a stage. However, an important stage for me to reconcile my shark music so I can “be with” her during these pivotal moments.

These early stages set up her roadmap for navigating emotions and how she can trust I will support her even when her emotions are difficult.

I’m here to remind you to identify your “shark music” triggers. Call them out and put them aside when your child needs you. When you have the space, ask yourself what’s making you uncomfortable and get curious about where these triggers are coming from.

If you need support in identifying your shark music and what to do with it whe is surfaces, contact me to set up a time to explore this further and support you in Motherhood!

My cup runneth over

I need to write about what’s been on my mind while it's still fresh. This past weekend David and I went to the Rise Together marriage conference in Austin, TX put on by Rachel Hollis and Dave Hollis.

It was amazing to listen to them discuss their marriage, what helped them, and how they continue to work on it daily. Dave and I were encouraged to share big dreams with each other, as well as things we were holding back or just trying to figure out inside our own heads.

We left the weekend feeling invigorated in our relationship and ready to continue the conversation. We talked about our core values, and what it looks like to practice them.

I could go on and on, but really, it was just so beautiful to spend a weekend together to dream and connect.

Something was said this weekend that really resonated with me and I want to share it with you.

Rachel gave a metaphor about us women each being a pitcher full of water. What we normally do is continue to pour the water out of our pitcher for our partners, our kids, family, friends, and strangers. We keep tipping over our pitcher to pour it out, until it eventually falls over and breaks.

The flipside would be shifting your intention to continuously filling up your pitcher, so it will overflow onto your kids, your spouse, family and friends. Picture that: your pitcher overflowing to everyone you love.

This metaphor had me in tears.

Most times I put taking care of myself last. There’s always going to be a new need or cup to fill (literally and figuratively).

If I wait until everyone else is taken care of, I will never get to myself. My list of taking care of others is never-ending since there will always be something to do to make things right. If I take care of myself first, the excessive water will spread. I will have the energy, patience, and desire to give more to my family.

Honestly, I believe women are running and keeping the house in line whether you are home or working. If we don’t put our physical and mental health first, we won’t be able to show up for our families the way we want.

I talked about this the other day on Instagram, and I’ll share it here. Dave and I discussed some of the things we are calling our “non-negotiables”. These are the things we have to do daily to take care of ourselves.

For me, that looks like waking up at 5 to have coffee and quiet time, moving my body daily, fueling my body with real foods, and having a weekly date night. For you, it might be different.

When I pour into myself, it doesn’t take away what I have to give to my family. The irony is that I have more to offer when my needs are met.

And isn’t that what every parent and spouse wants most? To be able to love harder and give more to their families?

What are your “non-negotiables”? What are you going to do this week to take care of yourself so you can overflow to your loved ones?

Trying to Mom the "right" way

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they are constantly asking for advice on what’s right for their child?

Since Charlotte was born, I tried to figure out the “right” baby accessories to have in our home, the “right” baby toys, and the “right” bottles to mimic breastfeeding. Then as she started to eat solids, I wondered when was the “right” time, the “right” first food, and how to serve it to her.

Maybe it was my enneagram 1 personality always wanting to do everything the “right” way. Or maybe it was just my Mom instinct wanting the best for my daughter.

What I found was that everyone said something different, and often times with great confidence. I would talk with one Mom, and they would tell me to do it one way. I would leave confident with the decision to do it that way.

Then, I would talk with another Mom that had opposing advice with the same confidence! I would then be entirely confused, because both things worked for their children. Which one was going to be right for Charlotte?

As I’ve grown to realize in 16 short months (I still have a lot to learn), every child is different. What worked perfectly with one child was a total disaster with another.

Thank goodness for the million and one baby products out there! I’m not just talking about baby products, though. I’m talking about the difficult stuff; handling the tantrums, meal times, drop offs, social skills, walking, talking, attitudes, and everything else.

Every child is different and therefore requires a different response from us in each situation. Raising a child, is a relationship and with each child, that relationship is entirely unique.

We have different relationships with everyone in our lives, why would our children be any different?

What works perfectly with one child, might not work with the next. This means sometimes we have to alter the way we handle a situation depending on our child’s need at a particular moment or in a particular situation.

It’s important for us to get to know our children, their personalities, love languages, things they like, and things they dislike. This helps to know what works best when our children are having a hard time.

One thing that helps getting to know what’s best for your child is spending 5 minutes of “special" time” with your kids each day. This time is child led play, whatever your child wants to do! Avoid questions or homework, and just follow your child’s lead on what they want to build or play! This is a great way to learn about the things your child loves and how they enjoy connecting to you.

Enjoy this special time with your child and tell me in the comments below what you did !

First days and Feelings

These past few months, I’ve been looking forward to Charlotte starting Mother’s Day Out. I’ve been leaning on a close friend, who has taken Charlotte on days that I was working, and the other days were spent with Charlotte’s wonderful Grandma and Gigi, coming for a week at a time to visit. I was excited for us to start a new consistent schedule.

For anyone not familiar, Mother’s Day Out is a program usually held at a church a few hours a week. It allows Mom’s to work, run errands, or have “me time” while their children learn, play and interact with other children their age.

I’ve been excited because I know how much Charlotte enjoys being with other children, and I know there are some gifts her teacher has that I lack. I have also been excited to have some uninterrupted time during the week to work, write, meet with friends and colleagues, or have a lunch-date with my husband!

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about traveling for work and not feeling guilty. I was hoping I’d feel the same this time around. When I was packing her lunch last week, the guilt started to creep in. I thought I was able to send her without feeling guilty, but I couldn’t stop the feeling from happening.

I started to think that maybe she was too young. I also started seeing other people post pictures of their kids on their “first” days, and they were older! I had the thought that maybe I wasn’t strong enough to make it until she was 2, or 3 or 4, or whenever I had deemed the “acceptable” age in my head. I thought maybe if I planned more at nighttime, or stayed up later working, or made more art activities for her, that maybe I could prolong her attending Mother’s Day Out.

Then, I remembered how much she loves playing with other kids at the church nursery. I remembered that she doesn’t yet know how to share, and that she often takes other kid’s toys. I remembered that it’s good for her to have more caregivers in her life. I remembered that she is learning lessons, songs, and social skills while she’s there. I remembered there are no rules or “right ages” for these decisions. I also remembered that I am a better Mom when I have time to myself.

That’s hard to admit. I absolutely love being a Mom, and it is hard work. It’s hard being on all the time. These 10 hours a week give me time so that when I pick her up, and we spend the rest of the day and week together, I can be refreshed and present. Today is only the second day, so I’m doing my best to both give myself grace, and make the most of this time.

I have to tell you, today, she walked right into the classroom, sat at the table and started playing with puzzles and smiling at her friend. I guess only one of us is struggling with the adjustment.

What were your kid’s first days like?