No No, Danger Danger!

Just Charlotte playing with wine corks...

The other day, after telling Charlotte “No, no, danger danger” at the outlet for what felt like the millionth time, I thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be.  Let me explain

I talked about what kind of Mother I am here, but I was thinking about how I wanted to handle discipline.  Was I going to be the type of parent that redirects? Or just says “No!” Or explains, “Hands are for playing with toys!”

Parenting happens so gradually, it’s hard to stop and decide what you’re going to do when you're in the moment.  I have to admit this. I think I went into parenthood being a little over confident in my ability to handle these situations. 

I have training in how to handle children’s behaviors covering the attachment style and the behavioral route. I felt like I was covered.  I’d even heard over and over by my colleagues and friends when I was pregnant, “You’re going to be a great Mother, you know all the strategies”. (HA!)

It felt like yesterday that we were just worrying about her eating and sleeping, and now all of a sudden I had to think about how to teach her safety in our own home.  It feels both all of a sudden, and sneaky, if that makes sense.  When did we turn the corner from laying in the Mamaroo, to getting into every single cupboard and climbing the stairs?

It just made me think of how we automatically revert to how our parents taught us things.  They never specifically told us how to parent, they just did it and we learned through experience.  How did you know to get dressed this morning? Did you think about which leg you were going to put in your pants first? No, you just did it.  That’s because it’s ingrained in your brain.  My point is, that I found myself saying “No, no, danger, danger” which are the exact words I heard my Mother say a million times growing up. 

After I heard them come out of my mouth, I wondered if I really wanted those to be the words I use with Charlotte. After reflecting on it, I didn’t.  I didn’t want to say that to her when she got to an outlet, or close to the stove.  In that moment though, it didn’t matter what I wanted to say, my brain just automatically told my mouth to say those words. 

Why? Because I’d heard them so many times I didn’t even have to think about it. It was automatic.  I realized that in order for me to parent Charlotte differently than I’d been parented, I had to make conscious decisions to do so, every time.   

It made me reflect on the other ways that I was parented.  It reminded me about how my Mom wasn’t comfortable letting me explore. My Mother wanted to keep me safe, so she was always with me, and reminded me of the danger in the world. 

This made me often choose the “safe” route.  I rarely took chances, for fear of getting hurt, or worse, failing.  I chose things I knew I was good at, and didn’t challenge myself because I never wanted to come up short. 

Now, I need to consciously make an effort to allow Charlotte to explore the world around her without fear.  I need to hide my discomfort of her exploration (as long as she is safe) which includes lots of deep breaths on my part.  I needed to let her fall, which is how she learned to walk!  I need to allow her to get frustrated, and express that frustration in order for her to figure things out on her own. And build trust in herself! 

As you probably can tell, I am a huge believer of developing an understanding of your upbringing when it comes to parenting.  I am constantly reflecting and checking in on how my past experiences are affecting my parenting and my relationships.  If this is something you'd like explore further, please, don't hesitate to contact me.  

What are some things you want to work on when it comes to parenting? 

How do I even "self care"

Yesterday, I posted reminding everyone to take time to practice self-care this weekend.  However, when I was getting ready for bed I was thinking about how I'm always posting vaguely about it and I wanted to get into it a little deeper.  

Maybe the term "self-care" is getting overused so we're ignoring it.  Or, maybe we see people posting spa days and relaxing by the pool and think self-care is unattainable because we don't have the time or money.  

Regardless of why we're ignoring it, we need to stop, and start taking it seriously.  I wanted to share a couple of things that I have done to fill up my cup and things you can start doing, today.  By the way, I love that metaphor because to me, it's so visual and I can actually see my cup being filled.  

First off, it sounds silly, but you have to actually name that you are doing "self-care".  I know you might think that's weird but I'll give you an example.  I can just watch a funny show and at the end of it feel like I wasted 30 minutes of my evening.  But, if I sit down and tell myself I'm practicing self-care and I'm going to watch this funny show and enjoy my favorite snack mindfully, our brains process it differently.  Does that make more sense? So, when I go out for my morning walk, I don't treat it as an obligation, I treat it as a gift I'm giving myself to start the day with movement.  

Next, write a list of things thats fill you up.  Both my husband and I have our lists hanging up in the kitchen.  This is for those times where you might have 5 or 10 or even 15 minutes until you have to do something and you end up wasting it away on your phone. Just me? Ok great. 

This list has things as little as a cup of my favorite Texas Pecan coffee all the way to vacations alone with David.  And, of course things in between like listening to Charlotte laugh, journaling, a good book, walking with Charlotte, sitting outside reading, taking pictures, learning, singing at church, podcasts, breakfast dates, a good margarita with a friend, and the list goes on.  

The reason why I need this list is because sometimes I forget the little things I love when I'm going through the daily motions, and two, I forget that sometimes self-care can be little things.  I can do something every single day that is for me.

I can say I don't have time, but that's just not true.  If I'm not doing any of these it's because I'm not making the time. I can wake up earlier to journal, and have my coffee.  I can set aside time in my day to walk and workout.  I can do these things, name that they are self-care, and they can fill me up.  

So can you! This week, sit down and write down all the things that fill you up both big and small.  Put that list somewhere that you pass by daily, and make time for at least one thing a day.  If you feel like you're having a rough day, go visit it and make time for at least one thing. You can change your mindset on "self-care". You deserve it ! 

Now, I want to hear what's on your lists !! 

Shutting down my inner critic

Early morning play dates and of course we only get pictures of the kiddos :)

When we think about Moms, we tend put them into two categories: Stay-at-Home Moms and Working Moms.  Before I had Charlotte I identified with my work to protect myself from being vulnerable.  If I could say what I did for a living when introducing myself it would become the focus of the conversation and I wouldn’t have to talk about the “real me” behind my job.  Then after becoming a Mom, and later coming home to take care of Charlotte, I found it difficult to identify as a Stay-at-Home Mom.  This new title felt vulnerable and now I know it was because it is closer to my true self.  Since I had initially planned to work outside the home, I felt as if staying at home was taking the easy way out.  If you’re not a mom, you might not know I was farther from the truth than I could have ever been.  Being at home with your kids is hard and in absolutely no way, the “easy route”. For all of you Moms out there, I’m sorry I ever even had that thought.  I know now it was totally just my inner critic talking and putting myself down for the choice I made.  If I went a different route, I’d probably say the same thing.

The first year of Charlotte’s life, I let that inner critic take over more than I’d like to admit.  I thought when you are at home, you had to actually stay at home all the time and make sure everything at home was perfect.  You probably know what I’m going to say, and yes, you’re right, I let my perfectionistic side take over. When Charlotte was about 10 months old, a friend of mine asked what I was doing the next day and I gave her a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish.  She responded by asking if I wanted to hang out.  It was a surprise to me that I could, in fact, make space to hang out with her. We could have coffee, talk and Charlotte could nap, or play, or even sit with us.  Before then, it hadn’t crossed my mind that I could do that.  More importantly, I hadn’t let it cross my mind that it was allowed to do fun things.  Since then, I started taking advantage of all the things I can do that I enjoy.  I started connecting more with other Moms because I realized it not only makes me happy, it also keeps me sane.  That same friend reminded me that when you’re a Mom, there are no breaks.  We make time in our days to connect with one another which ultimately makes us better Mothers. Today, we enjoyed an afternoon swim with the kids!

In order for me to quiet down my inner critic, and accept this new role, my mindset needed to change.  I needed to shift my thinking to what I’m able to do now that my schedule is flexible and I had to start redefining my understanding of accomplishments. I’m able to go on play dates, coffee dates, practice my photography, take classes together, go to the gym, meet friends, go to bible study, or Mom groups.  And you know what? I like those things and they are how I take care of myself.  I’m not sure why I put having fun and staying at home into two mutually exclusive categories. That has now changed.   Since I love giving myself things to do, I’ll end this post with a task.  My task from now on is telling my inner critic when it activates, “Thank you for trying to help me improve, but I’m taking a new path towards self-acceptance”. 

Anyone else have any experience needing to shut down their inner critic? 

No more "Mom Guilt"

While I absolutely love being home with Charlotte.  There’s another thing I love, and that’s work.  I recently took on a contract position as a Trainer with FuelEd Schools.  FuelEd is non-profit agency that’s mission is to fuel schools with the power of relationships.   Since having Charlotte, I kept open my Private Practice, and continued to see clients on the weekends and run groups some evenings.  I hadn’t been gone from her during the days much for the last 14 months. 

This past week was the longest time I've spent away from her since she's been born.  I was a little anxious when I left wondering how I’d feel, but for the most part I felt excited.  My Mother-in-law was coming in to take care of Charlotte so I knew she’d be happy and safe.  I was excited for the work, and the learning experience.  While I was away, I kept waiting for a feeling of guilt to hit.  I never felt it.  I first thought “what’s wrong with me?” until I snapped myself out of it, and realized I do not need to feel guilty to prove my love for Charlotte.  Let me say that one more time.  I do not need to feel guilty to prove my love for Charlotte.

I feel like this term “Mom Guilt” gets thrown around a lot almost as a badge of honor or even without us taking a moment to really think about what it means.  I am so guilty of this! (there it is again!)  Sometimes I will catch myself saying “I feel guilty” when I don’t.  Why? Because I’m trying to prove to the other person that I love my child.  Does that make sense?  No! I do not need to fake a feeling to prove my love.  I also shouldn’t feel like I’m doing something wrong if I love what I do. Guilt means we are responsible for a specific wrongdoing.  When you are away from your kids for a period of time, it is not wrong.  When you work, or go on a date with your spouse, get a manicure, work out, or hang with friends, you aren’t doing anything wrong!  You are taking care of yourself, which makes you a better Mom when you return.

When we feel guilty for choices we make, we pass that feeling off to our children.  We are telling them we aren’t confident in the decisions we are making.   This makes our children feel unsafe and fearful for us. If we instead, say, “I’m going to work to help people, and I love what I do and when I come home I get to eat and play with you and hear all about your day!” We start to create a new script around work, our feelings, and our confidence in decision-making.  We are teaching them about our talents, and things we love.  We are setting an example for them to make decisions free of guilt when they grow up.  

Now, of course I say all of this and I know I am not immune to the feeling of guilt.  I grew up learning that if you don’t feel guilty, or are worried about something, it means you don’t care.  I know now that is not true. There are definitely still times where I’ve felt guilty and I know there will be times I feel it again.  However, I feel proud this past week I didn’t feel guilty, and was able to return a happy and fulfilled Mom.  Now, I'm returning filled up and excited to be back home with Charlotte.  I don’t ever want Charlotte growing up feeling guilty for her choices, or feeling as if she has to feel guilty to show she cares.  I want her to be proud of the things she loves and the things that light her up.  It might be raising her kids at home full time, it might be working outside the home, it might be a mixture of both, and any of those choices are OK.  I want her to feel confident that she can make those decisions guilt-free.

 I would also like to add that I don’t often tell anyone to not feel something.   All of your feelings are valid and you are not alone in them. I would encourage you to reach out to someone if you are experiencing a huge sense of guilt.   If it is something that you are struggling with and would like someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me, or reach out for referrals. 

Finally, I’d love to hear from you all, what it is that you love to do outside of being a Mother?

All you really need is a hose and a bucket

When Charlotte was really little, and I was up feeding her all hours of the night. I would be on my phone, and come across blogs to make sensory activities to foster her development when the time came.  I was excited to make all the age appropriate activities to increase her fine motor skills and stimulate her senses.  Nowadays, I just bring all the plastic bowls and measuring cups outside and fill them up with the hose, and we get this smile. 

A Halloween candy bowl and some plastic measuring cups was all we needed!

We don’t have to go above and beyond to nurture our children’s learning.  At 14 months old, she is learning everyday no matter if we are cooking, cleaning, at the park, or grocery store.  She’s always seeing, hearing, smelling and touching new things.  It’s great to do all the creative activities, and you don’t have to do them everyday or feel like your child is missing out if you’re not doing them.

Another example of this feeling of needing to go above and beyond happened the other day.  I was over at a friends house around dinnertime and as she was making her two kids sandwiches for dinner she said “I feel bad I’m not cooking them a real dinner”. We sat down at the table with the kids and kept talking as they ate.  As her son was eating his sandwich he said, “I love this sandwich Mom, this is my favorite”.  Listen up, Moms: our kids don’t judge us for not cooking a hot dinner.  This sandwich that you think you're slacking with might be their favorite dinner!   The funny thing is, our kids don’t think that you love them any less based on their dinner options. They find joy in the cheese and cracker dinner nights.  They are perfectly happy when it’s hot dogs and mac and cheese. It’s the extra pressure that we put on ourselves to have a perfectly balanced dinner every night, and the artfully crafted fine motor skills activity.  They don’t care.  They just remember the fun they had playing, or eating with you.  Hearing my friend’s son thank her for dinner, gave me the reassurance I needed to embrace all the hose-in-a-bucket days and give myself grace for all the activities I have yet to create.  And, if I never get around to creating them, that's ok, too.  

What are your favorite easy activities to do with your kids?